Every year more than 10 million Americans experience violence within their romantic relationships [1]. Domestic violence impacts heterosexual couples as well as the LGBTQ community and both men and women. When someone is repeatedly hurt by a romantic partner, it seems like the victim would decide to end the abusive relationship.
However, it’s difficult to leave an abusive relationship for several reasons.
First, let’s review the different types of abuse that can occur within romantic relationships.
Abuse is More Than Just Physical
Abuse within a romantic relationship is also referred to as domestic abuse, domestic violence, battering, or interpersonal violence. Domestic abuse and domestic violence also include abuse in other domestic relationships such as child abuse, elder abuse, and sibling abuse. Interpersonal violence, a more precise term, includes any behavior that a romantic partner uses to dominate or gain control over their partner. This includes physical, sexual, financial, emotional and psychological abuse [3].
Physical abuse includes throwing objects, hitting, punching, choking or any type of physical injury.
Sexual abuse includes any behavior that coerces (or attempts to coerce) another partner into sexual activities such as sexual contact or sexual communications (e.g. unwanted “sexts” or other sexual digital communication).
Financial abuse is behavior that uses finances to control a partner. It includes behaviors such as hiding financial information, limiting access to funds, and stealing [4].
Emotional or psychological abuse includes any behavior that uses insults, threats, or other psychological behaviors to control their partner. Examples include isolating the individual, discounting their reality, expressing jealousy and more [5].
Although physical and sexual abuse may leave visible injuries, all forms of abuse can be severely traumatizing and lead to negative mental and physical health outcomes [6].
Abusive Relationship Fast Facts
According to the Centers for Disease Control, interpersonal violence is a serious public health problem. Here are the facts about domestic abuse in the U.S.[6]:
- About 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced serious physical injury from a romantic partner at sometime in their life.
- About 1 in 5 women and 1 in 15 men have experienced sexual abuse in their lifetime.
- 14% of women and 5% of men have experienced emotional/psychological abuse in the form of stalking by a romantic partner.
- 75% of female and 48% of male interpersonal violence survivors have had an injury as the result of their abuse.
- 20% of homicide victims are killed by a current or previous romantic partner.
- 94-99% of survivors of domestic abuse have also experienced financial abuse [7].
Interpersonal violence is a global problem. A study conducted by the World Health Organization on intimate partner violence against women across 10 countries found the following [8]:
- Anywhere from 13-61% (depending on the country) of women who were surveyed have experienced physical abuse.
- 6-59% of surveyed women reported being a victim of sexual abuse.
- 20-75% of women who were surveyed have been the victim of at least one act of emotional or psychological abuse.
There’s No Bouquet of Red Flags at the Beginning of the Relationship
According to research from the University of Rochester [9], abusive relationships often begin the same way as healthy relationships. Two individuals start spending significant amounts of time together as their romance blooms. During this exciting, honeymoon phase of a relationship, there might not be any signs of problems to come. In fact, some survivors report that their abuser seemed extremely charming, like a perfect partner, and really swept them off their feet at the beginning [10].
As the newness of a romantic relationship starts to fade away, individuals will usually incorporate their new partner into their other friendships and family relationships. The amount of time spent together as a couple might decrease as they re-engage with their other loved ones.
This is the moment when a slow shift might begin within the couple. An abusive partner often feels threatened by their partner’s outside relationships and any time spent away. This begins the manipulation by the abuser to retain control over their partner by slowly incorporating unhealthy behaviors into the relationship [10].
Early Signs of an Abusive Relationship
So what does this change look like? What are the early signs of an abusive relationship? While every abusive relationship is unique and some of these signs might not be present in all abusive relationships, there are often several early signs of abuse.
Here are possible abusive behaviors to watch out for [11, 12]:
- Making all of the decisions for the couple’s activities.
- Showing jealousy when the victim spends time with family and friends.
- Demanding that the victim gets permission to spend time with others.
- Discouraging time spent with others.
- Taking control of finances and limiting access to money.
- Encouraging the victim to drop out of school or stop working.
- Insulting the victim in front of others.
- Insulting the victim’s loved ones.
- Pressuring the victim to use drugs or alcohol.
- Threatening the victim with words or looks.
- Destroying the victim’s belongings.
Often abusers will engage in more and more of these unhealthy behaviors to increase power and control in the relationship over time. Eventually, the abusive partner may have inserted themselves into every aspect of the victim’s life.
Why is it So Hard to “Just Leave” an Abuser?
Over time these early signs of abuse often escalate to more obvious abusive behaviors. In between the worsening violence, the abuser may revert to their early, more charming behaviors. This is often described as a cycle of abuse: tension, followed by an abusive incident, then an apology and finally calm until the cycle restarts [13].
However, the phrase “cycle of abuse” can be misleading as the abuser doesn’t always follow a predictable cycle with their behaviors. The abuser engages in behaviors to maintain control over the victim and to feel a sense of power. As a result, even though there might appear to be a moment of calm in a relationship, the abuser’s desire to retain control over the victim is a constant threat.
Most victims of interpersonal violence report that they decided to stay with an abuser because they were threatened with serious physical injury towards themselves or their loved ones and/or financial ruin if they were to leave the romantic relationship. The victim might not be able to protect themselves, their children, or other family or friends from the abuser [14].
Other barriers often make it difficult to leave an abusive relationship. Sometimes the moments of calm make a victim question whether or not they’re experiencing abuse or in an unhealthy relationship. A victim might also rationalize these moments of calm as outweighing the abusive incidents [14]. In addition, abusers use emotional and psychological abuse to diminish a victim’s self-esteem, making them feel as though they deserve to be mistreated. Psychological abuse can also make a victim feel responsible for their abusive partner and cause them to feel guilt over the thought of leaving them [15]. Psychological abuse in the form of gaslighting causes a victim to question their own memories, sanity, and sense of reality, making it difficult to trust their own decisions [16].
As a result of being isolated by their abusive partner, the victim may have no support system to help them through a move or transition. This isolating of the victim often creates a situation of dependency on the abusive partner. The victim might not have the financial means to support themselves or their family without their partner. The victim might fear that they’ll lose custody of their children if they leave. Victims may not know where to turn to for help. They might have religious or cultural beliefs that make it difficult to leave their abusive partner as well [14].
There are also social barriers to leaving an abusive relationship. The demand for domestic violence shelters is greater than the available space. Victims may have experienced a lack of support from law enforcement when reporting abuse in the past and some local prosecutors may be reluctant to file appropriate charges against abusers [14].
Exiting an Abusive Relationship Safely
Victims often make several attempts at leaving an abusive relationship before they exit for good and it’s best viewed as a process of leaving [17]. If the abuser knows that a victim intends on leaving the relationship, the risk of harm goes up considerably [18]. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, victims are in greatest danger when they decide to leave a relationship [14]. In one study of men who killed their romantic partners, the men reported the threat of separation as the triggering event that led to the homicide [19]. Therefore, it’s usually best to not inform an abusive partner (or anyone who might tell the partner) of the intention to leave the relationship [18]. In addition, even after separation, a victim might still be in danger of post-separation abuse as the abuser’s need for power and control has not gone away [20].
Safely leaving an abusive relationship may seem challenging but it is possible. Here are suggestions for how to leave an abusive relationship safely [18]:
- Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-SAFE) in order to plan a safe exit, including a safety plan.
- Create a safety plan for leaving the abusive relationship. This plan includes:
- Safe people to connect with and safe ways to communicate with them (e.g., having a spare cell phone or code words to use).
- Safe places to go to when exiting the abusive relationship such as shelters.
- A list of personal items and important documents to take with you.
- Evidence of the abuse or violence such as photos, notes, police reports or medical records.
- Reach out to the local family court or domestic violence court to obtain a restraining order.
- Contact the bank to restrict bank accounts from the abusive partner.
Despite the challenge and on-going threats of post-separation abuse, there are many options for receiving help after leaving an abusive relationship and healing from the trauma [9].
Why Does it Take So Long to Heal From an Abusive Relationship After Leaving?
Several factors can prolong the healing process after leaving an abusive relationship. Victims of abusive relationships often suffer from post traumatic stress disorder, depression, and other trauma-related issues. The threat or experience of post-separation abuse can make it difficult for victims to feel safe and move on with their life. Often victims experience a financial loss after leaving a partner which can add to the stress of daily life and negatively affect their well-being. Although the toxic relationship has ended, the effects of abuse usually linger immediately after leaving the relationship. However, as more time has passed since ending the relationship, feelings of well-being continue to increase; having access to coping resources is especially helpful [17].
Elizabeth McDade-Montez, PhD, is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, writer and teacher in Santa Cruz, CA. She writes about mental health, impacts of social media use, and sustainable living. She’s had articles published in leading psychology journals including Health Psychology, Assessment, and Psychology and Aging.
