Domestic violence (DV) is a scary and very real part of some relationships. It can also be referred to as intimate partner violence, or IPV.
Alarming statistics show that over 10 million people in the USA experience domestic violence per year [1]. This comes out to 24 people per minute experiencing these dangerous situations. Statistics also show that 24.3% of women and 13.8% of men over the age of 18 are survivors of domestic violence.
While domestic violence can take on many forms, a common denominator is the presence of physical violence, threats and control tactics in a relationship.
DV Survivors: It’s Not Always Black & White
Domestic or intimate partner violence is not always black and white. Because there are nuances and complexities of this type of abuse, it can be extremely difficult to recognize if you are in an abusive relationship. While physical abuse like hitting, punching, kicking, strangling, and burning are more obvious, they are not the only signs of violence in a relationship.
Sexual abuse, such as unwanted sexual acts, pressuring, picture taking, and overall sexual violence is another form of abuse that many people experience while with an abusive partner. Even harder to recognize are emotional and psychological abuse. Oftentimes, these tactics are used by a perpetrator to create fear and intimidation in their partners, resulting in more control and power. Domestic violence can often be used with the power and control wheel, which is used to help understand dynamics of abusive relationships [2].
Additional ways an abuser may try to control someone is through financial abuse or psychological abuse, both of which can lead to serious impacts in one’s life. Although psychological abuse can be hard to detect and understand, it is important to note how severe it can be. Financial abuse may feel like having no control over money you’ve earned, having to share all of your receipts with a partner, giving partner money all of the time and can even be as bad as a partner opening up unknown bank accounts and credit cards in your name [3].
All of these things can be considered domestic violence.
What are the Effects of Domestic Violence on the Victim?
Domestic violence or intimate partner violence can have many detrimental impacts on a victim or survivor. One of those impacts is a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. PTSD is defined as experiencing traumatic events and various symptoms related to the trauma [4]. Some of those symptoms include:
- Depression (withdrawal, lack of interest, changes in motivation)
- Anxiety (nervousness, overthinking, racing heart, panic)
- Low self-esteem
- Avoidance of stimuli related to trauma
- Negative thoughts related to the event
- Hypervigilance
The hopeful news about PTSD is that many therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, and other professionals are trained and educated in helping survivors overcome their symptoms.
How Do You Heal From DV?
Since the impacts of intimate partner violence are scary and difficult to manage, it is helpful to work with a trained mental health professional, like a therapist, to heal from a DV situation. It is not uncommon for survivors to lose a sense of self when in an abusive relationship, and a therapist can help you get back to knowing yourself and feeling confident about it. There is no shortage of resources for survivors of intimate partner violence, and can include things like shelters, individual therapy, group therapy, support groups, financial assistance, housing assistance, and more.
Some individuals choose to work with law enforcement to start healing from DV. Local police or sheriffs are able to get a protective order put into place to keep survivors safe from their abusers. Additionally, pressing charges and taking further legal action is a choice that survivors can consider to furthermore protect themselves and their loved ones.
All healing processes take time and patience. Healing from any type of trauma, and particularly domestic violence requires support and validation.
How Long Does it Take to Recover From Domestic Violence?
Each individual has their own journey to healing, so there is no set time on how long it can take to recover from domestic violence.
An important part of the recovery process is finding safe environments where you can process your trauma and gain support and validation from trusted individuals. Being proactive about healing can also mean attending individual or group therapy sessions to receive help from a trained professional.
Although it can be upsetting to experience symptoms of trauma after the fact, it may be comforting to know that it is “normal” based on an adverse experience. There are numerous individuals who have been able to leave domestic violence situations and heal to the point where they can live their lives the way they once did.
What Should You Say (and Not Say) to a DV Survivor?
Knowing a family member, friend, colleague, or loved one is in a domestic violence situation can be uncomfortable and leave you feeling helpless. You may want to comfort and support someone, but also to not know what to say due to the severity of their situation.
Below are some tips on how to talk with and advocate for a domestic violence survivor.
What to Say
- “I am here for you”
- “We can figure this out together”
- “I am here to listen”
- “This is not your fault”
Additional ways to help survivors include, acknowledging how difficult their situation is, assisting them in making a safety plan, encouraging them to participate in fun activities that give them a sense of self, and recognizing that you alone cannot rescue them. [5]
What Not to Say
- “What was your role in this?”
- “How could you stay?”
- “Well, you shouldn’t have made them mad”
- “Other people have it worse”
Statements such as these are incredibly invalidating and unsupportive to anyone, and especially someone working to leave or heal from a domestic violence relationship. Oftentimes the abuser has already stated these things as a tactic of power and control, as well as psychological abuse so supportive individuals want to avoid these comments. If you are not sure what to say, simply ask the survivor how you can help and be of assistance.
Alyssa Biestek is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in both Texas and Florida. She currently works for a small group practice and enjoys helping children, teenagers, and their families heal. Alyssa has experience providing treatment to high risk youth in a community mental health setting and is trained in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Trauma Focused-Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT). She is currently furthering her education and training to become a Registered Play Therapist (RPT). In her spare time, Alyssa enjoys reading, crafting, spending time outdoors, and playing with her dog.
