Sexual abuse in marriage is controversial, as people believe such an occurrence would not happen. Additionally, sexual violence and physical aggression in marriages have fallen into a legal gray area until recent years. Sadly, “in sickness and in health” does not exempt someone from experiencing an abusive relationship, even at the hands of someone they had previously trusted.
Sexual abuse, a form of domestic violence, has a surprisingly high prevalence in the context of intimate relationships. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1 in 10 women have been raped by an intimate partner [1]. Intimate partner violence in marriage and other close relationships happens frequently and should not be ignored because a couple has made a legally binding commitment in marriage.
Let’s Define Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse is an umbrella term that includes any unwanted sexual acts that a person is uncomfortable with and can occur inside or outside a marriage. More specifically, unwanted sexual activity all involve a lack of appropriate mutual consent and include the following [2]:
- Sexual coercion – the act of using pressure or influence, or in some cases, drugs or alcohol, to get someone to agree to sexual acts
- Sexual assault – this is sexual contact or behavior conducted without the explicit consent of the victim
- Marital rape – forced sex by a spouse or ex-spouse that committed without the other person’s consent
Sexual Abuse: More Than Just Physical Violence
While sexual abuse can be a specific type of physical violence, it can impact victims differently and often more significantly. Among people who have experienced sexual abuse, PTSD (including symptoms such as avoidance of triggers, startling easily, and feeling hyperaware of surroundings) is reported more often than other traumas. A study conducted in 2021 showed that nearly 75% of sexual assault survivors met the diagnostic criteria for PTSD one month after being assaulted. One year later, approximately 48% of these survivors continued to meet the criteria for PTSD [3].
Sexual abuse by a spouse can be difficult to comprehend due to the psychological impact of a previously trusted individual electing to harm the other spouse. It is disturbing because spousal sexual abuse intends to elicit control over the victim. This idea does not align with the well-being of a marriage and can greatly impact an individual’s mental health.
Examples of Sexual Abuse in Marriage
- Sexual abuse may include and is not limited to the following:
- Your partner forces or manipulates you into having sex
- They refuse to practice safe sex (e.g., will not wear a condom despite your insistence or will not allow you to use other pregnancy prevention methods)
- They call you names that are explicit or inappropriate (and you have asked them not to)
- Your partner hurts you with objects during sex or holds you down physically while forcing themselves on you
- Partner insists you appear or dress in a way that is uncomfortable
- Your partner pushes you to engage in sexual acts that you do not want to do
- Your partner forces you to film or watch porn against your will
Marital Sexual Abuse: Warning Signs
In addition to the above examples of sexual abuse, there may be some additional clues that this is happening in your relationship. Signs of sexual abuse within marriage are not always clear, as it’s often a manipulated experience designed to make victims feel as though they are to blame.
In general, if your partner is exhibiting control or manipulation in a sexual way, you could be experiencing sexual abuse. While you may not be experiencing abuse in the form of overt sexual violence (e.g., rape, sexual battery, etc.), there may be other signs of sexual abuse you’ve experienced.
Being Sexually Abused By an Intimate Partner: What to Do
It can feel intimidating to seek help when an intimate partner has sexually abused you. Many victims of sexual violence struggle to know how to receive support and often feel that they do not deserve it. Additionally, retelling the story to another helping professional can be exhausting, and it can feel like an emotional wound is continuously opening as they share their story multiple times.
The first step in seeking help is to ensure you are safe. Reach out to your support system, or engage in any coping strategy that has helped in the past, such as resting under blankets to self-soothe or leaving your home to stay with a safe friend. You may be in shock, and this step is essential for helping you to return to a sense of normalcy and safety before proceeding.
The next step may be to contact a Sexual Assault hotline. Calls can remain anonymous, and the operator can guide you in involving law enforcement or seeking medical attention.
After obtaining preliminary support to ensure basic safety and medical care, it may be necessary to process your experience. Finding a therapist trained specifically in addressing sexual violence could be helpful. A therapist can help you decide if you want to press charges and develop a plan for moving forward with additional coping strategies for the trauma you have experienced.
Rychel Johnson, LCPC, is a licensed clinical professional counselor in Kansas. She owns a private practice, Empower Mental Wellness, where she specializes in anxiety treatment and social skills development. Rychel also enjoys extensive road trips and spending time with her husband, toddler, and two cats. Learn more about Rychel at rycheljohnson.com.
