Domestic violence encompasses a range of abusive behaviors that occur within relationships, affecting individuals across diverse backgrounds and communities. Domestic violence—both within romantic relationships and within families—is a prevalent issue in the United States, impacting approximately ten million individuals on an annual basis. Statistics reveal that up to one in four women and one in nine men experience domestic violence in their lifetimes.[1]
A safety plan is an essential tool for survivors of domestic violence, providing a strategic approach to navigate and ultimately leave their abusive relationship. It empowers survivors by offering tools to assess risks, recognize the warning signs of abuse, and respond effectively, increasing your resiliency and preparing you to act. Customized to your unique circumstances, a safety plan considers several factors in your life to address both physical and emotional safety, clarifying how you wish to stay safe and what support you can access.[2]
Understanding Domestic Violence
Domestic violence refers to a pattern of abusive behaviors that occur within an intimate relationship. These behaviors can be physical, emotional, psychological, or financial and are intended to gain and maintain control over the victim. Domestic violence can affect anyone, regardless of age, gender, race, or socioeconomic status.
Common forms of domestic violence include physical assault, verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, isolation, intimidation, and economic control. It often involves a power dynamic where the abuser seeks to exert dominance and control over the victim.[3]
Domestic violence can have severe and long-lasting effects on the physical and mental health of the victim. Some common warning signs of domestic violence can include:[4]
Physical Signs
- Unexplained injuries or frequent injuries
- Bruises, cuts, or other visible signs of physical harm
Emotional Signs
- Fearful or anxious behavior in the presence of your partner
- Sudden changes in mood or personality
- Low self-esteem or feelings of worthlessness
Control and Dominance
- Attempts to control aspects of your life, such as finances or social interactions
- Constant criticism and belittling behaviors
- Isolation from friends, family, or support networks
- Excessive jealousy and possessiveness:
- Excessive jealousy and accusations of infidelity without cause
- Attempts to control the victim’s whereabouts or activities
Manipulative Behavior:
- Gaslighting (denying or downplaying abusive actions, making the victim doubt their perception of reality)
- Using guilt or emotional manipulation to gain compliance
Threats and Intimidation:
- Threats of physical harm, harm to loved ones, or self-harm to coerce and control
- Displays of anger, aggression, or violent behavior
Sexual Coercion
- Forced or coerced sexual activities without consent
- Ignoring the partner’s boundaries or engaging in sexual acts against their will
- Isolation from support systems:
- Restricting access to friends, family, or coworkers
- Sabotaging relationships with others
Financial Control
- Controlling finances or preventing the victim from working
- Withholding money or resources
Escalations of Violence
- A pattern of increasing severity in abusive behavior over time
- Re-escalation of violence after periods of remorse or apologies
It’s important to note that these signs can vary, and not all abusive relationships exhibit the same patterns.
What is the Cycle of Abuse?
The cycle of abuse refers to a pattern that often characterizes many abusive relationships.[5] It typically consists of distinct stages that repeat over time:
Tension-Building Phase
This phase is marked by increasing tension, communication breakdown, and a sense of walking on eggshells. The victim may try to appease the abuser to prevent escalation, whereas the abuser becomes irritable.
Incident or Acute Violence Phase
This is the explosive phase where the abuse occurs. It can involve many different kinds of abuse, including physical, emotional, sexual, financial, spiritual, or verbal abuse, in addition to others.
Reconciliation or Honeymoon Phase
Following the abusive incident, the abuser often expresses remorse, apologizes, and may offer gifts or promises to change and act more affectionately. The victim may believe the apologies and promises, leading to a temporary sense of calm and relief.
Calm or Respite Phase
This is a period of relative calm and peace in the relationship following the reconciliation phase. The tension decreases, and the couple may experience a sense of normalcy for some time. The victim may hope that the abusive behavior has ended and that the relationship can improve.
Unfortunately, the calm phase is temporary, and the cycle tends to repeat itself, often with the tension-building phase starting again. Over time, the cycle may become more predictable, and the severity of the abuse may escalate.
Not all abusive relationships follow this exact cycle, and the duration of each phase can vary. Additionally, some abusive relationships may not have a clear reconciliation or calm phase. Recognizing the cycle of abuse is important in recognizing the need to seek help and support in breaking free from your abusive relationship.[6]
Preparing to Leave Your Abuser
Safety is always the priority when planning to leave your abuser.[7] Planning your departure requires careful consideration and preparation to minimize the risk of escalation and further violence.
A well-thought-out safety plan is designed to uphold your well-being by considering all the key elements of your situation, resources you can draw upon, and where to turn in a crisis situation. It looks to empower you in prioritizing your own well-being and in taking control of the steps toward a safer, healthier future.
Establishing A Support Network
Identifying trustworthy friends, family, or neighbors can help you to navigate the challenges of leaving an abuser. These individuals can form a support network, providing you with assistance and emotional support.
Having said that, it’s imperative to exercise caution in choosing supporters who can be trusted to keep your plans to leave confidential. Victims are often in more danger when attempting to leave an abuser,[8] as the risk of escalation and further violence increases if your plans are discovered. Therefore, sharing your safety plan with someone who can be discreet and will not disclose the information to the abuser under any circumstances is of the utmost importance.
Additionally, there are several organizations dedicated to assisting individuals in situations of domestic abuse, providing vital resources, counseling, and advocacy to aid survivors in rebuilding their lives. Such organizations are often dedicated to assisting you in safely planning to leave, offering comprehensive support for a safe transition.
Again, it’s paramount to exercise caution when planning to leave your abuser. Your safety should always be the top priority, and identifying the supports and resources in your life can help you to make informed decisions and take the necessary steps towards leaving your abuser safely.
Collect Emergency Contacts
Make sure you have a list of energy contacts and essential phone numbers to contact in a crisis. Include local law enforcement, medical services, and fire departments, as well as your trusted family and friends.
As above, it’s also recommended to include the numbers for local domestic violence hotlines and shelters. These resources are specifically designed to assist individuals in abusive situations, offering guidance and potentially a safe place to stay if you are without one.
Remember to keep this list in a secure and easily accessible place, known only to you or people you trust. Having these numbers readily available can make all the difference in ensuring an effective response to any needs that should arise.
Keeping a Record of the Abuse
It can be helpful to maintain a record of the abuse you’ve suffered, even when things seem momentarily calm in the Calm and Respite phase of the abuse cycle. Documenting instances of abuse—discreetly and safely—can be helpful when seeking assistance or legal intervention.
Consider keeping a private journal where you can record dates, times, and descriptions of abusive behaviors, along with any visible injuries. In instances where physical harm occurs, discreetly taking photos of injuries can provide tangible evidence that may be valuable in legal proceedings or when seeking support.
Ensure that your documentation is stored safely, either in locked cloud storage accessible only to you or by sharing it with a trusted confidante who can keep them securely for you. After storing them, consider deleting the photos or documents from your devices to maintain privacy and prevent potential discovery by the abuser.
Keeping a record not only validates your experience but can also be a powerful tool for breaking free from the cycle of abuse. When you decide it’s time to seek help or take legal action, having a detailed account of the abuse can strengthen your case and support your journey toward a safer, healthier future.
Choosing a Safe Location to Go
Domestic violence is extremely dangerous and can cost you your life, so it’s important to have a safe place to go when deciding to leave. Planning ahead and designating a safe place is critical to breaking the cycle of domestic violence and securing your safety.
Rent a Room
If you have the means, renting a room can provide you with distance and a place where your abuser cannot reach you. Be sure to exercise caution when doing so, as leaving any paper trail (or digital paper trail) can expose you to increasing danger from your abuser.
Stay with a Friend or Family Member
See if one of your friends or family members would have the ability to house you temporarily. Having previously compiled your list of trusted individuals can make it easier to inquire, and leaning on someone you know and trust for support can also provide comfort through the transitional phases of re-establishing yourself.
DV Shelters
In situations where renting a room or staying with friends and family is not feasible, domestic violence shelters can offer a safe haven. These shelters are specifically designed to provide refuge for individuals escaping from abusive situations. Contact local domestic violence hotlines or organizations to inquire about available shelter options. DV shelters prioritize confidentiality and security, ensuring that your whereabouts remain unknown to your abuser.
When You Have to Stay in Your Car
While not an ideal solution, staying in your car may be a temporary option if no other resources are available. Ensure that your vehicle is in good working condition, and park it in well-lit and populated areas. Consider reaching out to local organizations or charities that specialize in assisting individuals facing homelessness, as they may provide support, resources, or guidance on finding more stable housing.
Remember, your safety is the top priority, and seeking assistance from professionals or organizations experienced in handling domestic violence cases can help you navigate these challenging circumstances.
Financially Preparing to Leave Your Abuser
One of the critical aspects of planning to leave an abusive situation is ensuring financial independence and security. For individuals who may be facing financial abuse from their spouse, taking strategic steps to save and make money becomes even more crucial.
- Save money and make extra where you can: Start by creating a dedicated savings fund that your abuser is unaware of. Consider setting up a separate bank account for this purpose, ensuring all communications are sent to a secure location to prevent tracking from your abuser. Explore opportunities to make extra money where you can, especially if your financial resources are limited. Online platforms like Upwork can be a valuable resource for finding freelance work that allows you to work remotely and independently while leveraging your skills.
- Utilize apps designed for abuse victims: Look into apps (such as Heal With Lark) that are designed to empower abuse victims by providing opportunities to make extra income and save money. These platforms can offer resources, support, and job opportunities tailored to people in your situation.
- Secure your anonymity: When preparing to leave, consider making transactions that are difficult to trace. Purchase Visa gift cards to use for essential expenses during the transition. This helps avoid leaving a financial trail that could be exploited by your abuser. Opt for cash transactions whenever possible to further minimize the paper trail. Be mindful not to save receipts that could reveal your spending patterns or whereabouts.
- Keeping important information: Securing your vital documents ensures that you (and your children) have the necessary paperwork for a fresh start. Make sure to store them in a secure and easily accessible location, considering options like a locked box or a trusted friend or family member’s safe:
- Personal identification documents: Safeguard your own and your children’s birth certificates, social security cards, and identification documents.
- Financial records: Collect and organize financial records, including bank statements, credit card statements, and any documentation related to joint financial accounts. If possible, make copies of these records and store them separately from the originals.
- Legal documents: Gather important legal documents such as restraining orders, divorce decrees, and custody agreements.
- Emergency contacts: Compile a list of emergency contacts, including local law enforcement, domestic violence hotlines, and supportive friends or family members. Make sure the list is accessible yet secured from your abuser for any crisis situations.
- Secured storage: Choose a secure and discreet location for storing your documents. Avoid storing them in predictable or easily accessible places within your home.
- Digital copies: Consider creating digital copies of important documents and storing them on a password-protected USB drive or in secure cloud storage.
- Education records: If applicable, keep copies of your children’s education records, including report cards and school transcripts. These documents may be necessary for enrolling them in new schools during the transition.
By proactively organizing and securing these important documents, you are equipping yourself with the tools needed to navigate the challenges of leaving an abusive situation and rebuilding your life.
Create a “Go-Bag”
As part of your preparations, assemble a “Go-Bag” containing essential items such as the important documents above, necessary medications, a change of clothes, and some cash. This bag should be stored in a secure location, either at your home (if possible) or with a trusted friend or family member. In domestic situations where you are in danger, keep your bag as minimal as possible to ensure a quick and inconspicuous departure.
Hiding Spots in Your Home and Safety Words
Identify discreet and secure hiding spots within your home for critical items and your “Go-Bag.” Choose locations that are inconspicuous yet easily accessible to you in case of emergency.
Develop a secret code word with your trusted family and friends (or, if applicable, with older children who understand the significance of discretion). This code word can serve as a subtle alert for imminent danger. Use it in phone conversations or text messages to convey that you need assistance or that it’s time to activate your safety plan.
Make sure that those aware of the code word understand the importance of keeping it confidential, emphasizing the need for discretion to maintain your safety and the success of your plans to leave.
Transportation and Escape Routes
Ensuring a safe departure from your abusive situation means you will need to consider your transportation options and planning escape routes. Keep your vehicle well-maintained, with a regular check on fuel levels, ensuring it’s ready for immediate use. Do not plan to use any vehicle that is registered in your abuser’s name.
Be vigilant about location trackers on your vehicle. Seek professional assistance to sweep for and remove any tracking devices if you are concerned. Have a list of trusted individuals or organizations for immediate assistance with transportation, including friends, family, or local support services.
Plan escape routes from different locations, like your home or workplace, considering potential monitoring that may arise. Know exits and safe places in places you frequent.
Familiarize yourself with public transportation options like bus routes or rideshare services in your area. Regularly practice your escape routes to increase your confidence in executing a quick departure.
After You Leave
Leaving an abusive situation takes tremendous courage, and what comes after is equally important. Remember, you are not alone, and there are resources available to help you rebuild your life after leaving an abusive relationship.
Be sure to continue being vigilant about your safety once you are no longer living with your abuser, taking steps to secure your new residence, and updating all your contact information.
Technology Safety
Prioritize your digital safety by securing your communication devices. Utilize strong, unique passwords (and consider a password manager to further secure and remember them) and enable two-factor authentication on all your devices and accounts.
Turn off tracking apps and location services on your mobile devices to prevent monitoring. Consider obtaining a temporary or “burner” phone for added anonymity and security until a stable situation is established. Be vigilant for spyware or tracking apps that may have been installed on your devices without your knowledge. Utilize antivirus and anti-spyware software to scan and remove any malicious programs.
Secure your online accounts by reviewing and updating your privacy settings on social media and email platforms, restricting any unnecessary access to your personal information. Stay informed about the latest technology safety practices, educating yourself on tools and resources that can protect your online presence and digital communications.
Monitor Your Online Presence
In particular, monitoring and protecting your online presence is vital. Regularly review and update your privacy settings on all your social media accounts to control who has access to your information. Exercise caution with online communications, making sure to not share sensitive details that could compromise your safety.
Unfriend or block individuals who may pose a threat or have connections to your abuser. Restrict your online circle to your trusted contacts for enhanced security. Disable geotagging on posts and photos to prevent accidentally revealing your location. It’s advisable to stay informed about the best online safety practices and to promptly address any phishing or suspicious login attempts you see.
Seeking Professional Help
The difficulties of an abusive relationship can have an impact long after you’ve left a dangerous environment.
Consider reaching out for ongoing support:
- Local support services: Speak to local domestic violence organizations and support services that can provide guidance, resources, and assistance tailored to your situation.
- Counselors and trained professionals: Working with a therapist experienced in trauma and domestic violence can be extremely helpful in processing trauma and gaining more emotional stability.
Legal assistance and protective orders: Consult with legal professionals to explore your options for obtaining protective orders or restraining orders—this is particularly important if you have children. Legal assistance can help you navigate the complexities of family law and ensure your safety is legally prioritized.
What About Staying Safe at Work?
Ensuring your safety extends to every environment you spend time in, including the workplace. Begin by alerting your workplace about your circumstances, providing a photo of your abusive partner, and explicitly instructing that they are not allowed on the premises.
In conjunction with the legal advocacy mentioned above, share any relevant legal documentation with your employer to reinforce the significance of maintaining a secure environment.
To enhance your safety in the day-to-day, vary your routes to and from work regularly. Avoid predictable patterns that could be exploited, adding an element of unpredictability to your movements. Additionally, consider having a coworker or security personnel escort you to your car or the bus stop to minimize the risk of encountering your abuser alone.
Reclaiming & Rebuilding
Reclaiming your life from an abuser takes a ton of work, so it’s critical to prioritize your well-being and seek help in breaking the trauma bond. Recognize that healing is an ongoing process, one which requires you to give yourself patience through the ups and downs and reaching out to personal and professional support.
Try to focus on good self-care practices and engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends and family who understand the challenges you may face.
Take the opportunity to rediscover your strengths, talents, and passions. Rebuilding your life involves setting personal goals and taking steps towards a brighter future. Remember that you’re not defined by your past, and every positive step you take is a powerful move toward reclaiming full control over your life.
It’s taken untold amounts of resilience and strength for you to get here. The path ahead may be challenging, but with the right support and a commitment to self-care and improvement, survivors can rebuild their lives, free from abuse and the constraints of the past.
Leaving Your Abuser: a Checklist
- Establish your support network
- Gather emergency contacts (and keep them secure and accessible)
- Keep records of the abuse
- Decide on a safe location to go to
- Secure your funds
- Secure your communications
- Secure your important documents
- Make your “Go-Bag”
- Create a safety code word with your trusted family and friends
- Decide on your escape route
- Seek professional help and support
- Seek legal assistance
- Secure all your technology and devices
- Make your workplace safe
Zack Ehrmann (MAEd, LMHC, LPC) is a writer and licensed psychotherapist in three states. Employed in the field since 2011, he’s been fortunate to work across demographics and populations in a variety of settings, including community health clinics, state and local governance, major hospitals, and private practice.
