Have you ever heard someone, perhaps an intimate partner or parent, call you a name that didn’t sit well? Maybe your gut was giving you a signal, but your mind was trying to convince you the person was “just being funny”?
Name-calling in a relationship is abusive behavior, and you may want to default to trusting your gut feeling. Verbal abuse can look different from case to case, and name-calling is no exception.
What is Verbal Abuse?
Verbal abuse is a form of control that involves hurtful words, yelling, degrading, or simply saying mean things to gain control or power. It is a form of abuse, similar to physical or sexual abuse, that should not be ignored in a relationship.
Even if somebody’s words or actions don’t make you feel emotionally distressed, the fact that these words and actions carry the intention of hurting you is what matters.
Name-Calling in a Relationship: Why is it So Harmful?
Name-calling is a behavior that usually starts with flirting between romantic partners or joking as people get to know each other. Over the long term, however, repeated and intentional use of names with negative connotations causes more than simply hurt feelings. The behavior is verbally abusive and aimed to exert control–to make you feel small and stupid.
A few insidious effects of name-calling include the following:
- Feeling like you need to walk on eggshells to avoid further pain from being called names that upset you
- Experiencing a power imbalance, as your partner or family member has been using name-calling as a way to make you feel small or worthless
- Feeling emotional damage from hearing repeated names that are used in an intentionally hurtful way.
- Hearing the names can wear away your self-esteem and affect your self-image over time, and you may start to feel like you deserve the name-calling based on your partner’s treatment of you.
- Feeling a loss of balance of the dynamics in your relationship, perhaps even a belief that you caused the issues to earn a lack of respect from the abuser.
Why Does Your Partner Resort to Name-Calling?
In healthy relationships, partners and family members speak kindly to and about one another. Mistakes happen in all relationships, but fostering an environment with forgiveness and healthy growth is critical.
In toxic or abusive relationships, an abuser is not interested in growth or forgiveness in the same way. Admitting fault is unnatural for someone with abusive or narcissistic traits, as they cannot experience and express emotions appropriately. It would be a personal threat if they admitted fault or signs of weakness.
Calling a partner names designed to harm is a method for an abuser to deflect blame and make their partner feel unworthy. In narcissistic abusive situations, the abuse victim may begin to believe the meaning of the names and feel like there’s no point in fighting them for fear of their abuser acting out more aggressively.
Name-calling could come from a culture where one partner shows a lack of respect toward others not from their family of origin. Perhaps the abuser works in an industry where abrasive language is the norm, and they don’t blink an eye when dishing out insults at home. Or maybe the abuser has endured childhood abuse that causes a knee-jerk reaction of rage with even the slightest provocation.
Whatever the cause, name-calling is inappropriate for processing anger or other intense emotions. It’s the “easy way out” and toxic. Name-calling is emotionally draining for others and a form of verbal abuse.
Name-Calling Isn’t Always So Obvious
In an abusive relationship, the words we call our partners start as sweet-sounding and harmless but evolve to have negative connotations over time. Pet names can be insults in disguise. Endearing nicknames could be condescending and meant to target specific insecurities the abuser knows you have. An abuser may even use degrading names to cause emotional pain and gain control.
Name-calling is often considered covert abuse, as it appears innocent–until it isn’t. It may also feel difficult to tell people outside your abusive relationship about the name-calling for fear they would dismiss the concern. For example, a demeaning pet names could be “my little airhead.”
Consider how the abuser would respond if you asked them to stop the name-calling. Would they react with anger or defensiveness? Would they blame-shift and claim it’s your fault the name-calling occurs? Are your wishes respected or dismissed? Dismissal of your concerns is a warning sign.
The people in a romantic relationship or other relationship are the only ones who can honestly evaluate how their dynamic works. Unfortunately, in abusive partnerships, it is often up to the victim to realize the red flags and take action.
What to Do When Your Partner Calls You Names
Recognizing that your partner is using name-calling inappropriately could take a while. Don’t fault yourself for not seeing this pattern immediately. Some steps to take make include:
- Pay attention to your gut feelings about the treatment you’re receiving and recognize the name-calling or criticism as abusive. Even if your partner claims they were only joking, they are still verbally abusive.
- Label the behavior out loud. If you feel safe, call it out. Use “I” messages to convey your feelings. For example, “That nickname is hurtful. I feel bad when you address me that way. Can you please use my real name?”
- Don’t debate your partner’s response, but focus on their words’ harmful impact on you. If they cannot change their behavior or begin to escalate, walk away. It’s not the time to address this issue.
- If the name-calling continues, consider ways to set boundaries to protect yourself from further harm. If your partner cannot access a more productive way to interact with you, it may be time to decide how to proceed in this relationship.
Remember: You Aren’t Defined By What Abusive People Say You Are
People stay in toxic relationships for various reasons. They share children with an abuser or feel financially dependent on maintaining the relationship. Over time, abuse victims start to feel they are to blame for the problems in their relationship and deserve to suffer.
However, staying in a relationship that damages your mental health or feelings of self-worth is not healthy. Controlling someone and being controlled are behaviors that do not belong in a healthy relationship.
Emotional abuse is insidious and can create false beliefs. It can take time to re-program your thoughts and heal after experiencing emotional abuse, but you are worth this time and effort. All types of abuse are serious and wrong; no individual deserves abuse. Regardless of an abuser’s reasoning, it is not your fault if someone is emotionally abusive toward you.
Rychel Johnson, LCPC, is a licensed clinical professional counselor in Kansas. She owns a private practice, Empower Mental Wellness, where she specializes in anxiety treatment and social skills development. Rychel also enjoys extensive road trips and spending time with her husband, toddler, and two cats. Learn more about Rychel at rycheljohnson.com.
