Being hurt physically by a partner or spouse is frightening, confusing, and hurtful. Unfortunately, abusive marriages and relationships are more common than they should be. The National Domestic Violence Hotline website shares that around 24 individuals per minute are victims of some sort of physical violence or physical abuse by someone they are in a relationship with [1]. Furthermore, they share that domestic abuse can occur in any type of relationship, with about 10% of men in the United States and 29% of women experiencing an abusive relationship.
Why Did My Husband Hit Me?
One of the hardest things for a survivor of an abusive relationship to come to terms with is why their partner would hit or hurt them. Many women are left wondering what they did to deserve the physical abuse from a husband. The most important factor to consider here is that it is never the survivor’s fault. Perpetrators who choose to engage in abusive and controlling behavior will oftentimes try to create fear in their partners.
The Department of Justice in the United States identifies that abusers will attempt to intimidate, manipulate or control, isolate, frighten, and blame someone [2]. This can be exacerbated when a partner is also consuming alcohol or drugs, as being under the influence impacts thought processes.
Another component of a physically abusive marriage could be narcissism. Narcissism is defined by The Mayo Clinic as, “a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance” (2023) [3]. Individuals with narcissism or narcissistic tendencies may lack the skill to understand what others are going through and their feelings. It is not uncommon for these individuals to feel disrespected by the slightest things and to come off as overly confident.
Will My Husband Hit Me Again?
After experiencing an act of violence, such as hitting or punching, from your husband or spouse, it’s normal to wonder if it will happen again. The unfortunate truth is that if there was a “first time” of violence, there will often be a second, third, fourth, and so on and so forth. This is how the cycle of abuse forms. A good partner, male or female, will not hit to begin with and even if arguments escalate, they will be able to refrain from acts of violence.
It is reported that 1:4 women have been involved in a domestic violence relationship, and statistics show that those who are ages 18-24 and ages 25-34 experience the highest rate of abuse [1]. This scary statistic tells us that in a room full of 20 women, around 5 of them have been hit or hurt by their husbands or boyfriends. Even one act of physical violence is abusive and toxic.
How Do I Make My Husband Stop Hitting Me?
Another common trait of women who are in abusive marriages is that they think they can change their husband’s mind and actions. Because of this, many women stay in their toxic relationship. On average, it takes a woman seven attempts to successfully leave an abusive marriage [3]. One of the reasons they stay is for the hope that things will change. The truth is that nobody can change someone else’s behavior. An abusive spouse has to be the one to want to stop and make a difference.
Does Hitting Escalate to Other Types of Abuse?
Physical violence can escalate to other types of abuse. There can be a few different types of abuse co-occuring, making a situation more dangerous and harmful. Other forms of abuse that may exist congruently with physical abuse are sexual abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, and psychological abuse. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) reports the alarming statistic that 1 in 4 women have experienced sexual violence from a romantic partner [4]. Additionally, they report that psychological abuse such as stalking and threatening, occur at a similar rate. The cycle of abuse shows that control, fear, and violence start off small and escalate into more intense and unsafe situations.
What Do I Do if My Husband Hits Me?
The first time you experience physical violence can be shocking and incredibly difficult to handle. No matter what, please remember that it is never your fault and you can get help. There are many wonderful resources out there for survivors of abusive marriages. Below are some tips to feel safe after a partner harms you physically.
- Understanding Pattern: Any type of abuse typically occurs in a pattern. This is often referred to as the power and control wheel. NCADV identifies that the power and control wheel is what perpetrators of abuse utilize to maintain control over their partners to continue the abuse. This cyclical pattern includes fear, financial abuse, blaming, children, isolation and coercion to control the relationship. [4]
- Police Reports: If you find yourself in a situation involving hitting or other acts of physical violence, you can file a report with the police or your local law enforcement. These officials will also be able to share additional resources in your community such as women’s shelters and food banks.
- Restraining Orders: On top of making a police report, some women choose to also have a restraining order issued against their spouse. While this process takes longer than a police report, it is a safety measure that could be necessary depending on the severity of a situation.
- Therapeutic Environments: Finding a trained mental health professional can be extremely beneficial if you are in an unsafe situation. Therapists and counselors can provide a safe and comforting environment to process emotions and situations in, as well as to receive support through difficult times. Some therapy offices may even offer group therapy options for women who have been abused.
- Exit Plan: Attempting to leave an unhealthy relationship comes with many emotions. It is helpful to come up with an exit plan prior to leaving, to ensure your safety as much as possible. Finding a place to stay with a trusted family member or friend, identifying needs for yourself or your children, and having money are all ways to start creating an exit plan. Law enforcement and/or therapists may also be able to assist with this.
Alyssa Biestek is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in both Texas and Florida. She currently works for a small group practice and enjoys helping children, teenagers, and their families heal. Alyssa has experience providing treatment to high risk youth in a community mental health setting and is trained in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Trauma Focused-Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT). She is currently furthering her education and training to become a Registered Play Therapist (RPT). In her spare time, Alyssa enjoys reading, crafting, spending time outdoors, and playing with her dog.
