Trust is one of the vital foundations of any relationship, especially when it comes to matters of money. Financial manipulation, hidden financial secrets or suppressing financial decisions, or the misuse of someone’s monies is known as financial infidelity, and this subtle form of betrayal can be every bit as harmful as other types, taking a toll on both your emotional (and fiscal) well-being.
Financial infidelity is often seen within an abusive relationship, severely impacting your ability to make your own financial decisions and level of autonomy.
What is Financial Infidelity?
Financial infidelity refers to the act of concealing or lying about financial matters from a partner or spouse[1]. It’s a form of abuse which involves keeping financial secrets—such as secret bank accounts outside your joint account, spending habits, credit cards, debts/significant purchases, or overspending—without the knowledge or consent of the other party.
While financial infidelity may not be as overt as other forms of abuse, it can nevertheless have devastating consequences on the dynamics of a relationship and the trust shared between partners, not to mention your overall financial health.
What Qualifies as Financial Infidelity?
Financial infidelity can manifest in various ways, all sharing a commonality of undermining trust and honesty within the relationship.
Some common examples can include:
- Secret bank accounts: Maintaining undisclosed bank accounts or credit cards and funneling money into them without the knowledge of the partner.
- Hidden debts: Concealing debts or loans, such as credit card balances, personal loans, or gambling debts, to avoid confrontation or accountability.
- Unauthorized spending: Making significant purchases or spending money without informing the other party, potentially impacting joint finances and long-term goals.
- Overspending: Spending habits within a relationship should ideally be equitably-decided upon, but financial infidelity often entails secretive overspending on items or experiences without the knowledge of the other party.
- Misleading financial behavior: Lying about income, job status, or overall financial standing to create an illusion of financial stability or security.
- Financial support to people outside the relationship: Providing financial assistance or support to family members, friends, or even other romantic partners without consent.
- Unilateral financial decision-making: Making important financial decisions without involving one’s partner, disregarding their opinions and preferences.
- Misusing your information: Some individuals may misuse or misappropriate your information to advance their purposes, such as using your social security number to open joint or fraudulent accounts.
Why is Financial Infidelity Harmful?
Financial infidelity is more than just a breach of trust; it can lead to severe emotional, psychological, and financial consequences. The harms caused as a result of financial infidelity include:
- Emotional distress: The betrayed partner may experience feelings of betrayal, anger, shame, and humiliation, creating emotional distance within the relationship.
- Financial instability: Hidden debts and financial secrets can quickly lead to financial instability, compromising the couple’s ability to achieve financial goals and potentially leaving the aggrieved party destabilized and lacking resources.
- Communication breakdowns: Financial infidelity can hinder open and honest communication about money matters (and other things), making it difficult to address challenges together.
- Mental health impact: The emotional toll of financial infidelity can contribute to the development of other challenges, including anxiety and depression, affecting the overall well-being of both partners.
- Other forms of abuse: Financial infidelity can function as either a bridge towards or an outgrowth of other kinds of abuse.
Is Financial Infidelity Abuse?
While financial infidelity is not inherently considered abuse in all circumstances, it can be a form of emotional abuse depending on its intentions and consequences. The act of hiding financially-based information or making major financial decisions without the other partner’s knowledge can be manipulative and controlling, inflicting great emotional harm and severe consequences to their credit and resources. Forms of financial abuse, including financial infidelity, can also be a tool used by an abusive partner to maintain power and control over the other, perpetuating a cycle of manipulation and dependence that easily leads into other forms of abuse[2].
Can a Financially-Abusive Relationship Be Fixed?
There are no one-size-fits-all answers when it comes to whether or not a financially-abusive relationship can be mended. Repairing a relationship affected by financial infidelity requires open communication, honesty, and willingness from both partners to rebuild the trust that has been lost. Seeking out counseling—be it individual, couples’ therapy, financial counseling, or all three—can be beneficial in addressing the underlying issues and seeking a path towards healing both your mental health and the relationship as a whole in the future.
However, repairing a financially-abusive relationship is contingent on the abusive partner acknowledging their actions and demonstrating genuine efforts to change their behavior, and may not always be possible. In cases where the financial infidelity is part of a larger pattern of abuse, seeking additional support may be necessary to explore ways in which to safely leave the relationship and begin the healing process and restore your financial security. Financial abuse occurs in an astounding 99% of abusive relationships[3].
Financial Infidelity to Financial Independence: Tips for Leaving a Financial Cheater
Leaving an abusive or coercive situation is certainly never easy. However, there are several keys to keep in mind for victims of financial abuse to consider when they are looking to re-establish financial independence and leave the relationship:
Assess the Situation
Take a close look at your personal financial situation, including debts, assets, and income, to gain a comprehensive understanding of your financial standing and to account for any and all changes that occurred over time.
Build a Support Network
Reach out to friends, family, or support groups for emotional/practical assistance and empowerment during the upcoming transition.
Create a Safety Plan
Building off the above, it’s critical to devise a safety plan for your financials and for your safety within the bounds of an abusive relationship, including critical supports you can contact in the event of emergency or for extra support.
Secure Important Documents
Gather and secure essential documents, such as bank statements, credit reports, and legal documents, to protect your interests and better understand where the current financial picture is at.
Secure Your Finances
If safe to do so, work to establish new financial goals, including the securing of your own savings account with your own money.
Seek Professional Guidance
Consult a financial advisor or attorney to navigate complex financial matters, especially if you are going through a divorce or separation. This can also help you to build financial literacy and better understand your rights.
Zack Ehrmann (MAEd, LMHC, LPC) is a writer and licensed psychotherapist in three states. Employed in the field since 2011, he’s been fortunate to work across demographics and populations in a variety of settings, including community health clinics, state and local governance, major hospitals, and private practice.
