“Why doesn’t she leave?”
It’s a question asked frequently by well intentioned friends and family members.
While this question seems so simple, it fails to recognize the complexity that arises for those in abusive relationships. This is even more true for those impacted by narcissism. Romantic partners of those with narcissism often find themselves victimized by a “trauma bond.” They experience emotional manipulation that creates a longing and need for the perpetrator of their abuse trapping them in the relationship.
While many women and men in these relationships feel something may be off, they also feel crazy, that they are part of the problem, and unable to leave. The trauma bond explains why leaving an abusive relationship often feels impossible.
What is the Narcissist Trauma Bond
A narcissistic trauma bond occurs when someone with narcissistic personality disorder perpetuates a cycle of abuse that causes the abused person to crave emotional validation from their abuser. This is not limited to romantic partners. Trauma bonds can be created with children, friends, coworkers, and others. Common signs of trauma bonds include feeling indebted to the abuser, having many friends and family opposed to the relationship, hiding negative emotions, feeling the need to protect your abuser, never feeling emotionally safe, and blaming self for a partner’s bad behavior.
How a Narcissistic Partner Traps You Through Trauma Bonds
The type of extreme abuse perpetrated by narcissists is based on providing the narcissistic partner with narcissistic supply. Narcissist supply is how narcissists cope with the world. Narcissists are addicted to a consistent supply of admiration and compliments and try to shape partners to worship the ground they walk on. This isn’t just something people freely give, instead narcissists train their victims through a cycle of abuse.
The narcissistic cycle of abuse is a 7 step process that starts with love bombing. Relationships with narcissists start out amazing. The abusive partner is caring and attentive and loving. They build strong trust and closeness. They create a sense of “we” and swoop in with fancy dinners, gifts, and grand romantic gestures to charm their victim. It’s like something out of a romcom.
Once the victim is charmed the trust stage starts. Now that the victim is hooked, the abuser does whatever they can to earn their partners deep trust. They often rush into big commitments like planning vacations that are months away and even getting married. They convince the partner that this is the real deal just before things start to turn sour.
After trust comes stage 3: criticism. Now that the victim is hooked on the abusive partner’s praise and validation the abuser will slowly start to pick apart their partner’s looks and personality. It begins with little things like “that hair color isn’t pretty.” and then moves into more harmful actions like name calling, belittling, and other psychological abuse. Throughout this process the abuser will sprinkle in compliments to provide intermittent reinforcement and keep the partner hooked. The abuser turns the temperature of the relationship up 1 degree at a time until without even noticing it, what used to be just slightly uncomfortably warm is a searing open flame.
Now that things are nice and hot stage 4, manipulation and gaslighting, begins. At this stage in the relationship the abuser will deny deny deny. They will twist words and bend facts until the victim is at a breaking point. When the victim is at a breaking point and acting angry or “crazy” the abuser will be calm and collected and will use the event as another way to manipulate their victim and justify further abusive actions. Gaslighting is a serious manipulation tactic that leads to self blame and intense self devaluation from the victim.
Stage five is resignation. At this point the victim has often figured out that they are being abused and that their relationship is not well, however, the damage has already been done. Most often people feel trapped. It’s normal for victims to feel incapable of making it on their own or too in love to leave. People in stage five feel stuck and resigned and often resort to people pleasing and any other protective mechanisms they can discover to try and make the relationship work. In this stage the abused person walks on eggshells.
Stage six is loss of self. At this point the person feels isolated and whittled down. They’ve often lost contact with many friends and family members. They’ve been distanced from things that make them feel capable. In stage six the victim does not usually feel confident enough to leave.
The final stage is not a distinct stage but something that happens throughout. This part of the relationship is emotional addiction. Current research suggests that the chemical highs and lows of this abusive cycle are addictive and can get individuals hooked on their relationship just like phones, pornography, and drugs. This addiction is equal in strength to that of a substance. It is fueled by the intermittent reinforcement that the narcissist delivers throughout, teaching the victim that they must depend upon them and seek their approval. These stages are not a linear process and instead go round and round. They repeat over and over again with love bombing and trust building leading to criticism and trapping the victim in a cycle of abuse that is very difficult to escape.
Why Does a Narcissist Crave Your Codependency?
Narcissists crave codependency because in addition to providing the narcissistic supply they need, it confirms their beliefs about themselves. It allows them to think that they are special and important. In order to feel validated a narcissist will strive for admiration and special treatment at all costs
Does A Narcissist Know They Are Trauma Bonding?
Whether or not a narcissist is aware of the vocabulary, they do know that they are engaging in manipulative behavior and that what they are doing is wrong. Many pride themselves on their skills in manipulation. Most people trapped in a relationship with a narcissist will want to believe that their partner is the exception. Most narcissists have mental health problems and traumatic backgrounds. Both them and their victims may attribute their behaviors to these things. However, a partner engaging in this behavior is inexcusable regardless of background.
Can You Break a Trauma Bond?
Thankfully, if a victim can become aware of what they are experiencing, a trauma bond can be broken. It’s not easy or fast but through developing self love, seeking professional help from a trauma informed therapist, and building their support system partners of narcissists can begin a journey of healing and break trauma-bonded relationships. This is not an easy journey. It will be filled with negative emotions as well as positive as the person tries to overcome the addiction created by the bond. However, through help and support victims can break free and live a life full of happiness and well being.
While there are many reasons those experiencing trauma bonds do not leave, escape is possible.
Grace Bithell is a Certified Social Worker based in Utah. She holds a bachelor’s degree in sociology and a master’s degree in social work. She currently works as a therapist specializing in women’s issue’s like domestic violence and sexual assault, and in treating complex trauma.
