Recovering from any form of betrayal is incredibly challenging. The emotional distress that arises after the discovery of infidelity in a relationship is enough to damage your self-worth and make you question your relationship or even your sanity.
Can Betrayal Cause Trauma?
When a person is betrayed by a romantic partner, family member, or friend, it can cause a ripple effect of painful emotions. Depending on the nature of the betrayal and your current connection with the person causing the emotional pain, their actions can cause lasting impacts emotionally and psychologically. Discovering a partner’s infidelity is emotionally and physically devastating. Similar to PTSD, some mental health professionals refer to this emotional damage as Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder due to the stress and potential mental health consequences experienced [1].
What are the Short and Long-Term Effects of Infidelity Trauma?
A primary effect of infidelity is emotional dysregulation or heightened emotional reactivity for victims. Emotional manifestations of infidelity trauma may include feelings of extreme anger, shame, guilt, jealousy, and sadness [2].
Mental health concerns may arise after infidelity trauma, including post-traumatic stress disorder, which could describe multiple specific symptoms. These symptoms may include:
- Anxiety and panic attacks
- Depression
- Obsessive thoughts and ruminating about what happened and your perceived role in the infidelity
- Intrusive thoughts and flashbacks that replay the painful realization of betrayal
Heightened emotional distress and reactivity occur after infidelity and feeling unsafe in your relationship. This feeling is built on a crumbling foundation after discovering a partner’s infidelity and experiencing mistrust of a partner. Mistrust of future romantic interests can also be a long-term effect of cheating.
When to Save the Relationship vs. When to Cut Ties
You may experience questioning from others or ask yourself: will you stay in the relationship? Should you remain after infidelity? Is an emotional or physical affair “enough” to end your marriage or intimate relationship? It depends on many factors, and each situation is unique.
When it Might Be OK To Try Again
Sometimes, trying again in a relationship feels okay after discovering your partner has cheated. After carefully considering the costs and benefits, you might want to give your relationship another shot. Affair recovery is not easy or short-term, but you may decide it is worth the arduous journey to rebuild trust in your relationship.
- Some indicators that it might be OK to try again:
- Your partner has shown transparency with the infidelity and is apologetic about it
- Your partner has ended contact with whomever the affair involved and has shown an ability to maintain those boundaries for a while
- Your partner is willing to work with you to pursue couples therapy and is invested in the healing process of reconnecting
- Your relationship is otherwise free of psychological, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.
- You feel strong and supported enough to pursue trying again.
When to End the Relationship
It may feel like a lot of pressure to decide between trying again and leaving the relationship. Remember, you do not ever have to stay in a relationship involving infidelity, regardless of what your family members, partner, or anyone else have to say.
Some reasons for choosing to leave may include the following:
- Your partner doesn’t apologize or refuses to acknowledge their behavior was inappropriate
- Your partner remains in contact with the object of their infidelity or affair
- The cheating is serial–this was not the first incident of infidelity in your relationship or your partner’s previous relationships
- You feel overwhelmed and do not have the emotional strength or desire to fix the relationship
- Your partner seems indifferent and not interested in seeking couples counseling or otherwise working to improve the relationship
- Your relationship involves additional forms of abuse: emotional, physical, sexual, or psychological
Healing Yourself After the Trauma of Betrayal
Betrayal that happens with infidelity is valid. Having a partner cheat and finding out is a traumatic event like any other, even if you are willing to forgive them and move forward.
Most importantly, the infidelity that occurred was not your fault. Nothing you did or said and nothing about your physical appearance warranted the act of cheating. The betrayal you feel can significantly impact your self-worth, a fact that should not be ignored.
You deserve healing if you decide your relationship is salvageable or should be left behind. The recovery process is something you need, regardless of what occurs with the relationship.
Recovering from a partner’s infidelity is challenging and not something one should expect to endure alone. Ideas for moving forward may include the following:
- Individual therapy to help you process difficult emotions and normalize your experience
- Journaling for self-reflection and externalizing the hamster wheel of rumination and frustration
- Asking a friend or trusted family member for support in navigating the trauma of infidelity
Rychel Johnson, LCPC, is a licensed clinical professional counselor in Kansas. She owns a private practice, Empower Mental Wellness, where she specializes in anxiety treatment and social skills development. Rychel also enjoys extensive road trips and spending time with her husband, toddler, and two cats. Learn more about Rychel at rycheljohnson.com.
