Emotional or psychological abuse is any behavior that uses insults, threats, or other psychological behaviors to control someone. Emotional abuse can occur in romantic, parental, and professional relationships. Examples include isolating the individual, discounting their reality, expressing jealousy and more.
Although being in an emotionally abusive relationship may not leave visible injuries, the effects of emotional abuse can lead to negative psychological and physical health outcomes. Healing from emotional abuse is possible after leaving the abusive relationship and seeking support.
What to Expect When Recovering from Emotional Abuse
Recovering from emotional abuse is best thought of as a healing journey. Victims of emotional abuse often develop a trauma bond with their abuser as a result of the intermittent nature of abuse. The ebbs and flows of abuse can cause victims to form very strong emotional attachments to abusers such as romantic partners. Individuals who’ve experienced abuse or other trauma prior to their current abusive relationship are even more likely to form strong attachments to their abuser. Breaking this trauma bond is not easy and it may take several attempts to leave an abusive relationship.
During the recovery process, it’s key to remember that the emotional abuse is not your fault – victims are never to be blamed for mistreatment from others. Often survivors have greater psychological distress immediately after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship compared to while they were still in the relationship. Thus it can feel as though you’re going backwards on your healing journey even when in reality you are moving forward.
Physical Healing
Emotional abuse can impact several aspects of physical health including the heart, muscles and bones, and digestive, reproductive, and nervous system. Individuals who’ve experienced abuse are more likely to experience gastrointestinal disorders such as irritable bowel syndrome, stomach ulcers, spastic colon and indigestion; fibromyalgia and chronic pain; sexually transmitted infections and pelvic inflammatory disease; bladder, kidney and urinary tract infections; headaches; and hypertension. Individuals who report experiencing abuse are also more likely to report more surgeries, hospitalizations, and doctor visits than those who haven’t experienced abuse. Women who’ve been abused are also more likely to have engaged in unhealthy weight control and eating behaviors.
Adopting Self-Care Practices to Promote Physical Well-Being
As a result of the many potential physical manifestations of emotional abuse, it’s important to prioritize self-care during the recovery process. Several self-care practices can promote well-being when healing from abuse.
Engaging in Regular Physical Activity
Research has shown that physical activity can help with mental well-being. Among young people who’ve been emotionally abused, physical activity has been shown to be a potentially protective factor from developing depression. The CDC recommends aiming for 150 minutes of physical activity every week but any amount of movement is better than no movement.
Find a physical activity that works for you – walking the dog, biking to the store, dancing and mowing the lawn all count as exercise.
Prioritizing Rest
Victims of emotional abuse often experience stress-related sleep problems such as difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, waking early, and feeling tired as a result of poor sleep. Not getting enough sleep is associated with a number of physical and mental health outcomes such as type 2 diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure, heart disease, decreased mental well-being and more.
If you’re having trouble getting quality sleep at night, it’s important to make rest a priority. Luckily, there are several steps you can take to get better sleep at night. Exercising during the day can help you fall asleep faster at night. Having a regular bedtime and wake up time can help your body learn when to rest. Keep your bedroom dark, quiet and cool at night for better chances of falling and staying asleep. Avoid electronics like your phone or TV before bedtime and try to keep devices out of your room. Caffeine, alcohol and heavy foods before bedtime can create sleep issues for some people as well. Avoiding these may help you get better rest each night.
And if you still struggle to sleep well, a 20 minute nap during the day can make up for as much as an hour of lost sleep. Try to carve out a pause during your day to put your feet up and close your eyes for a few minutes.
Nourishing Your Body Through Diet
A healthy diet is an important part of maintaining your physical health and preventing chronic disease. Researchers have found that diets high in processed foods are more strongly associated with mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. Nutrition-based interventions have also been found to reduce symptoms of depression through healthier eating.
The USDA recommends a diet high in nutrient-rich foods such as fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. Healthy proteins and low fat or fat free dairy products are also part of a healthy diet. Limit sugary treats and beverages, alcohol, and saturated fats.
Don’t Be Ashamed of Asking for Medication
Experiencing emotional abuse can lead to different mental health conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, suicidality, alcohol and substance use disorders, and other anxiety disorders. In addition, if abuse causes traumatic brain injury in a victim, that can increase the risk of mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, and cognitive issues (e.g., memory impairments). Survivors of abuse who’ve left an abusive situation may continue to experience psychological symptoms such as panic, depressed mood, flashbacks, and more. Medications for depression or anxiety can help stabilize survivors as they heal from their trauma. Talk to your medical provider to learn about your options for medication.
Mental Healing
Survivors of emotional abuse may need time for mental or cognitive healing. Emotional or psychological abuse can include gaslighting, which causes a victim to question their own sense of reality and judgment. Being the victim of gaslighting makes decision-making and trusting your own judgment a challenge. Therefore it’s important to allow yourself time and space to develop trust in your reality and learn or strengthen cognitive skills for mental health. The following methods can help you on your journey toward mental health.
Self-Awareness and Reflection
Self-awareness is the understanding of one’s own thoughts, motivations, behaviors and emotions. Research has shown that it’s possible to improve your self-awareness and that increases in self-awareness, or becoming more mindful of your own experience, can promote positive behaviors and cognitions. Improving your self-awareness may be particularly important for mental health following the effects of emotional abuse, which can lead to impairments in self-awareness. Simple mindfulness exercises can help improve your self awareness, such as mindful eating, walking, or meditation.
Cognitive Restructuring
Cognitive restructuring is a therapeutic technique to help you identify negative, automatic ways of thinking and challenge those thoughts [20]. Self-help workbooks that focus on cognitive behavioral therapy can help you identify and challenge negative thoughts. You can also work with a mental health professional to identify negative thought patterns and distorted beliefs. As you start to notice these patterns, you can begin to rethink them and develop healthier forms of reflection.
Journaling Exercises to Gain Clarity
Journaling or writing has been found to help individuals cope with negative emotions, including trauma. Writing about emotions and experiences can help us process those feelings and memories, gain clarity, and cope better. A mental health professional can help you get started with different journaling exercises. For example, a five minute writing “sprint” is a quick exercise where the only rule is to keep writing without pause for five minutes. People report feeling a sense of release and greater clarity after this simple exercise. It’s important to review your writing and reflect after journaling to gain insights and increased understanding .
Practicing Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is the practice of acknowledging your own suffering and treating yourself with kindness. It includes multiple actions: treating yourself with care when you’re struggling; accepting that struggles are part of the human experience; and practicing mindfulness. Although self-compassion may not come easily, with practice, self-compassion has been found to benefit mental health. Practicing self-compassion can help reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety in adults.
Emotional Healing
Emotional abuse impacts a victim’s sense of self and emotional health. Emotional and psychological abuse lowers a victim’s self-esteem, making them feel as though they deserve to be mistreated. Emotional abuse can cause victims to feel unstable and unsafe emotionally. Psychological abuse can also make a victim feel responsible for their abusive partner and cause them to feel guilt over the thought of leaving them. As stated above, abuse can also lead to anxiety and depression.
Once the relationship has ended, the emotional healing can begin. As time passes, feelings of well-being should continue to increase. Access to coping resources such as a therapist is especially helpful for emotional healing. The following methods are also important for emotional healing.
Emotional Expression and Release
Expressing one’s emotions has been demonstrated to benefit both emotional and physical health. Research has found that expressive writing of emotions can help with emotional trauma [25]. Individuals in therapy who are able to express intense emotions have been found to have better psychological outcomes. Expressing negative thoughts may help increase self-awareness and emotional expression may be an important part of the healing process for many individuals. There may be a link between self-esteem and emotional expression, although research has been mixed.
Building Emotional Resilience
Emotional resilience is the ability to adapt to and recover from stress and negative experiences. There are several ways to build your emotional resilience as you heal from emotional abuse. Self-compassion and journaling, as described above, can help individuals cope with past traumas and find new ways of reacting to negative thoughts and feelings. Support groups for survivors of emotional abuse can provide much needed social support during the healing process. Taking care of your own needs during the healing journey is also key to recovery.
Spiritual Healing
For many people, a spiritual self is a feeling of connection to something greater than oneself that may transcend traditional ideas of space and time. Emotional abuse could damage this sense of a spiritual self and some survivors may benefit from spiritual healing.
Connecting with the Inner Self
In a study of survivors of abuse, one theme that appeared repeatedly was the importance of nurturing your own sense of self through spiritual practices. These practices can include meditation, yoga, prayer, listening to music, spending time in nature and more. Survivors report feeling more calmness and peace by connecting with the inner self [29].
Forgiveness and Letting Go
Forgiveness and letting go is another theme that reappears among survivors of abuse who experienced spiritual healing. Survivors report that the act of releasing and forgiving allowed them to move through their suffering instead of dwelling in it. They may forgive themselves for any self-blame as an act of self-love or even be able to forgive the abuse at some point.
Social Healing
Emotional abuse can lead to isolation for victims and can limit or even eliminate a support system outside of the partner. Thus it’s important for survivors to rebuild a support system and reconnect with others.
Establishing Healthy Boundaries
In order to develop healthy relationships, those without any abuse, it’s important to understand and establish healthy boundaries with others. You may want to work with a therapist to understand and set boundaries with others. Boundaries allow people to develop a stronger sense of self, to feel secure, and to experience autonomy and freedom from one another.
Cultivating Healthy Relationships
During the process of healing from emotional abuse, it’s important to cultivate healthy relationships and establish or strengthen your support system. You may have a family member who’s ready to support you, or a good friend, or even an in-person or online support group. It’s important to connect with others and use social support to better cope with emotions during the healing process.
Elizabeth McDade-Montez, PhD, is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, writer and teacher in Santa Cruz, CA. She writes about mental health, impacts of social media use, and sustainable living. She’s had articles published in leading psychology journals including Health Psychology, Assessment, and Psychology and Aging.
