According to family systems theory, relationships between parents and children are naturally interconnected and influence one another. In order to support the well-being and healthy development of young children, the family system needs healthy psychological boundaries between family members. These boundaries help family members distinguish themselves from each other. Healthy boundaries also evolve as children grow from infancy through childhood and adolescence, and eventually become adult children.
Unfortunately, some parents struggle to establish healthy boundaries and instead become interdependent on their children, creating a state of enmeshment. This enmeshment can look like role reversal, where parents lean on their children to take care of them. Enmeshment in childhood is associated with poorer mental health outcomes later in life and can also lead to childhood trauma.
What is Enmeshment Trauma?
Enmeshment trauma occurs when the caregiver turns to their child to meet their own needs and, as a result, the child’s emotional needs are not met and/or the child is put in situations that are developmentally inappropriate or traumatizing. Research has shown that parent-child role reversal can lead to traumatization of children. Parents who reverse their role with their child fail to provide the necessary emotional support for their children. This form of emotional trauma can be the result of untreated trauma and PTSD among parents.
What are the Signs of Enmeshment?
Several signs may indicate enmeshment within families. The primary sign is a lack of healthy boundaries between parents and children (and possibly siblings). This may look like few or no rules, limits or routines within the family. As children raised without boundaries grow older, they may also experience a lack of privacy and personal space from parents. Children and adolescents may not experience appropriate levels of independence and autonomy from their parents as well.
Enmeshment can also manifest as over-involvement from parents in their children’s social lives, such as controlling romantic relationships and other friendships. Enmeshed families may be characterized by constant communication between members. Children may have a difficult time understanding their own self-identity and instead feel that their interests and values are identical to those of their parents. Parents and children may show signs of dependence on one another, being unable to make decisions on their own or relying on one another for emotional support.
Examples of Enmeshment
What are the signs of enmeshment? What does it look like within families? Here are several examples of enmeshed relationships:
- A parent may express jealousy over time their son or daughter spends away from the home with friends or a romantic partner.
- A parent might internalize their child’s emotions and feel overly responsible for their child’s feelings.
- A parent might describe their child’s emotions as the same as their own (e.g., “we’re feeling anxious today).
- A parent might see themselves as their child’s best friend, rather than as the parent.
- Enmeshed parents might share too much intimate information with their children.
- Children in enmeshed relationships might feel personally responsible for their parent’s emotions.
- Children might feel manipulated by their parent’s emotions or guilty if they don’t always consider their parent’s feelings first.
- Enmeshed parents may be deeply involved in every aspect of their child’s life.
- Parents may use children as buffers for conflicts with other family members
- Parents may ask children to take on tasks that are developmentally beyond their capabilities.
What are the Signs You Have Enmeshment Trauma?
Without healthy boundaries in place, children are at risk of developing trauma as a result of the enmeshment. There are multiple signs of enmeshment trauma [7]. Children and adult children may experience anxiety, a need for perfectionism and a sense of inadequacy as a result of being unable to achieve all that is asked of them from their parents. They may experience low self-esteem and codependency with their parents as well as in future relationships. The challenging family dynamic may cause children to struggle to establish healthy boundaries in future relationships with friends and romantic partners. Children may develop mental illness such as generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, depression and PTSD.
How Does Enmeshment Impact Future Relationships?
An enmeshed family experience often has negative consequences for future relationships. As a result of this abusive relationship in the home, children may not experience key developmental milestones. They may miss out on friendships as a child which can make connecting with peers difficult in the future. They may struggle to communicate effectively with peers. Parents may have prevented their adolescent children from having romantic partners as a youth which could hinder their skills and insights for future romantic relationships. Children of enmeshed families may develop avoidant personality traits as a result of feeling inadequate with others. Their anxiety and need to please their parents may show up as a need for validation from others in other areas of their life.
Healing From the Effects of Enmeshment Trauma
It is possible to heal from enmeshment trauma. It’s important to seek professional help to cope with and heal from a history of family enmeshment. Family therapy can be beneficial, particularly if the child is still at home with their parents and the parents are ready to address the role reversal that caused the original enmeshment. Individual psychotherapy for the teen or adult child can help them to identify the dysfunction in their family of origin. A therapist can help the child or adult child to understand and set healthy boundaries with others. Healthy boundaries will help the survivor to develop a stronger sense of self and to understand the role reversal that they experienced within their family.
Elizabeth McDade-Montez, PhD, is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, writer and teacher in Santa Cruz, CA. She writes about mental health, impacts of social media use, and sustainable living. She’s had articles published in leading psychology journals including Health Psychology, Assessment, and Psychology and Aging.
