While many forms of emotional abuse are obvious in their presentation—such as making verbal threats —other forms of emotional abuse can be far more difficult to identify. Covert abuse involves all the forms of abusive behavior that can be difficult to recognize, either because the actions are difficult to distinguish or because the abuse is hidden or unacknowledged. Often subtle and indirect, covert abuse is nevertheless wielded by the abusive party to exert control over the victim’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.
Covert Emotional Abuse Defined
Covert emotional abuse refers to a significant pattern of hidden or otherwise difficult-to-detect tactics deployed to manipulate someone within a relationship (be it romantic, platonic, familial, work-related, or other). Unlike other, more overt forms of abuse, this type of abusive behavior lurks underneath the surface of interpersonal interactions, harming the victim’s self-esteem and ability to function while also being more-easily blamed on the individual receiving the abuse.
Hidden abuse can often be a hallmark of behavior for a narcissist, or someone who displays excessive egocentrism and will often utilize exploitation to fulfill their needs[1,2]. It’s important to remember that someone doesn’t necessarily need to be a confirmed narcissist nor be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder in order to participate in abuse of any form, covert or otherwise.
What Are the Signs of Covert Emotional Abuse?
Identifying covert emotional abuse and behaviors can be challenging due to its often-subtle nature. However, some common signs and behaviors may help you to indicate the presence of covert abuse and actions:
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of covert psychological abuse in which the abuser distorts the victim’s perception of reality and sense of self, causing them to doubt their own memory, judgment, and/or sanity to achieve more control. Examples of this can include questioning the victim’s recollections of an event, trivializing their feelings as invalid, or minimizing their outlook.
Withholding affection or love
The abuser uses affection and love (or, rather, a demonstrated lack thereof) as a means of control, withdrawing affirmation to manipulate the victim’s emotions and behaviors. Turning suddenly cold towards the victim can help the abuser to keep them emotionally tethered to their actions.
‘Love Bombing’
Conversely, love bombing entails the engagement of grand gestures and displays of affection—be they verbal, monetary, or otherwise—disguised as flattery but intended to obscure more-troubling relationship dynamics on behalf of the abusive person[3]. Excessive gift-giving and lavish attention, particularly after emotional abuse has taken place, are a few of the hallmarks of love bombing behavior.
The Silent Treatment
The abuser gives the victim the cold shoulder, refusing to communicate or sometimes even acknowledge their presence, which can be deeply damaging to the victim’s self-esteem and sense of security within the relationship (and towards their own sense of safety).
Blaming and Shaming Behavior
This nefarious behavior sees the emotional abuser consistently blame the victim for their own actions, shifting responsibility onto them and undermining their self-worth by distorting their reality with false accusations or exaggerated harms. Sometimes referred to as guilt-tripping, blaming and shaming behavior can undermine your perception and confidence.
Isolation
The abuser gradually isolates the victim from their friends, family, and support networks, limiting their access to outside perspectives and emotional support.
Undermining Your Self-Esteem
By systematically undermining the victim’s self-esteem, often through subtle put-downs and constant criticism, emotional abusers can further their own sense of control by acting to play upon the insecurities of the victim. Examples of this include belittling, scolding, or denigrating your accomplishments, outlook, or personhood.
Exerting Control Over Your Finances
A particularly insidious form of covert emotional abuse: one in which the abuser maintains strict control over the victim’s finances, limiting their financial independence and freedom to make choices for themselves.
Unfounded Accusations
Abusers may also make untrue, unwarranted accusations towards the victim to exert their control and keep you off-balance with regard to emotional regulation. Examples of this can include false claims of having an affair.
Playing Mind Games
Oftentimes an emotional abuser will attempt to deploy psychological tactics to mislead or otherwise intimidate the other, largely an attempt to increase their own feelings of importance and confuse the victim.
Why Are Covert Abuse Tactics So Hard to Spot?
Covert emotional abuse tactics can be challenging to detect (both for the victim and for those outside of the relationship) for several reasons:
- Their subtle nature: Covert abuse operates beneath the surface of a relationship, making it less obvious and easier for the abuser to maintain control without drawing unwanted attention from others.
- The manipulation of reality: Gaslighting and other manipulative tactics employed by covert abusers distort the victim’s perception of the abuse, making it harder for them to recognize and address it themselves.
- Gradual onset and growth: Covert abuse will frequently begin gradually and slowly increase over time, making it harder for the victim to recognize the changes in their self-esteem, confidence, and overall well-being being affected by the tactics referenced above.
- Increasing isolation: Many abusers work to isolate their victims, creating a limited support network and reducing the chances of outsiders recognizing the abusive behaviors.
What Should You Do If You Believe You Are the Victim of Covert Abuse?
If you suspect you are a victim of covert emotional or narcissistic abuse, then it’s important to consider the following to protect your physical and psychological integrity:
- Learn to recognize the signs of covert abuse: Educate yourself about covert abuse tactics to both better understand and validate your experiences: Identifying abusive behaviors is an important step towards being able to address them and restore your safety.
- Seek support and re-establish social connections: Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or confidant who can provide emotional support, validation, and guidance throughout your healing journey.
- Establish boundaries: Set clear and firm boundaries with the abuser to protect your emotional well-being and regain a sense of control—though this needs to be done with caution, as any form of covert emotional abuse can quickly turn deadly.
- Document the abuse: Keep a record of specific incidents—including dates, times, and details of the abusive behaviors. Such documentation can be valuable if you decide to seek legal or professional assistance, though it’s imperative to do so safely. Seek professional help:It’s recommended to consult with a therapist who specializes in emotional abuse and can provide the necessary support and guidance tailored to your specific situation.
- Develop an exit plan: Safety is always paramount. If you decide to leave your abusive relationship, develop a safety plan in consultation with professionals who can help you navigate the process safely.
Zack Ehrmann (MAEd, LMHC, LPC) is a writer and licensed psychotherapist in three states. Employed in the field since 2011, he’s been fortunate to work across demographics and populations in a variety of settings, including community health clinics, state and local governance, major hospitals, and private practice.
