In an emotionally abusive relationship, over-apologizing is recognized as a response created over time to reduce or prevent the abusive partner from causing further harm. Outside of the context of the relationship, the emotional abuse victim will often continue to be overly apologetic even in situations that do not warrant apologies, which significantly impacts a person’s self-esteem and ability to engage in healthy relationships.
Constantly apologizing can be a response rooted in trauma. When we think of “fight or flight” and sometimes “freeze” as examples of states of mind, we cannot leave out the idea of “fawn” or a tendency to fix a situation to protect oneself.
What is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse involves behavior intended to manipulate, control, or diminish another person’s self-worth. These behaviors may include name-calling, verbal threats, or manipulation from the abuser. Emotional abuse psychologically damages a victim and often leads to experiencing trauma.
Emotional abuse has a strong influence on the emotional health of the victim. One of the signs of emotional abuse is excessive apologizing from the victim. Apologies are necessary in life for specific situations or circumstances, but when used excessively can be a sign of emotional abuse and worthy of attention.
Why Are Victims of Emotional Abuse Often Apologetic?
Over-apologizing is often rooted in self-preservation, as an abuse victim is conditioned over time to believe they are to blame for everything. The victim wants to avoid conflict and protect their emotional well-being from the abusive person, and constant apologies are frequently a result of feeling like a burden to others.
In many cases, the abusive partner or family member is a narcissist skilled at breaking down their victim throughout a relationship. A narcissistic intimate partner has a corrupted perception of emotional closeness and engages with the victim with a pattern of love bombing and dependency. This cycle is confusing by design and causes the victim to feel like they are on an emotional roller coaster.
Individuals with narcissistic tendencies have difficulty taking accountability for their mistakes or abusive behavior. They will blame shift, accusing their partner of being to blame for their mistakes. If the narcissistic partner has an outburst of rage, they blame their partner. Or they may say something cruel and blame their partner for the insult.
A narcissistic abusive partner will gaslight the intimate partner to gain control, which causes the victim to question themselves and start to feel crazy. Gaslighting is manipulative and causes an emotional abuse victim to question their sanity and surrender even more control to the abuser to avoid rages or conflict. Gaslighting does not allow space for dialogue; it is one-sided.
Being on the receiving end of gaslighting, blame-shifting, and lack of predictability is confusing and part of the shame and self-doubt many abuse victims endure with ongoing emotional abuse. The shame and lack of self-esteem can lead to a victim being overly apologetic to protect themselves from the abuser. This self-protective behavior can continue into future intimate partnerships and family relationships until the cycle is broken.
How to Break the Cycle of Over-Apologizing
The low self-esteem and diminished self-worth produced by emotional abuse make everyday life challenging. Over time and with support, abuse victims can rediscover their sense of self. They can begin recognizing blame-shifting and seek help to leave a relationship with these qualities.
Breaking the cycle of over-apologizing and taking “I’m sorry” out of your default settings is possible. There are plenty of opportunities to rehearse interactions. Do you go to the grocery store? Note how often you say “I’m sorry” to excuse yourself while shopping. Try substituting that apology with “excuse me” as you move past others. Perhaps this small change could help improve your self-esteem over time.
Additionally, seeking support from a mental health professional who specializes in relationship concerns can be beneficial to help learn ways to cope and process trauma from an emotionally abusive relationship. The therapist can assist you in recognizing patterns of behavior that indicate you are being overly apologetic, as well as help you to rebuild your self-worth and self-confidence.
Rychel Johnson, LCPC, is a licensed clinical professional counselor in Kansas. She owns a private practice, Empower Mental Wellness, where she specializes in anxiety treatment and social skills development. Rychel also enjoys extensive road trips and spending time with her husband, toddler, and two cats. Learn more about Rychel at rycheljohnson.com.
