Navigating an abusive relationship can be an overwhelmingly painful journey that leaves you mending your wounds for months or even years.
And even when you’ve come to terms with the fact that the relationship isn’t just unhealthy –it’s abusive– you may question whether or not the relationship can be saved.
This is especially common in relationships where there are factors that further complicate the situation, like the longevity of the relationship, or whether there are children, pets, or marriage, or property.
So, is there any hope to fix an abusive relationship or is it better to cut ties and move on?
Before you read any further, it is important that you understand that healing an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult, very often not worth the journey, and may not be possible. Whether or not the relationship heals, you –the victim– need to heal from the abuse itself.
First: When Should You Not Try to Fix an Abusive Relationship?
Not all relationships are worth saving, especially those who put your physical, mental, emotional, financial, or spiritual wellbeing at risk. In the overwhelming majority of cases, it is better to go no-contact with your abuser so that you can begin the healing process.
Times when you should absolutely not try to fix an abusive relationship include times when:
Your Life or Safety is in Danger
There is no relationship worth risking your life or safety over. If your abuser harms you physically, threatens your safety, or it will put you in danger –physical, emotional, or otherwise– to attempt to fix the abusive relationship, create a safety plan and exit the relationship.
With many abusers, bringing up the abuse will intensify their abusive actions and behavior in an attempt to further control the victim.
You’ve Tried Before–and Nothing Changed
Abusers, especially those with a history of narcissism or other manipulative behavior, will often promise to change their behavior, only to do so for just enough time to make their victims believe that everything has changed. As soon as their victims are firmly reattached to the relationship, they go back to their abusive behavior.
This cycle of abuse makes it even more difficult for victims to leave, as they begin to confuse these periods of “calm” with having a solid, healthy relationship, even though the relationship is volatile.
You Are Only Attempting to “Fix” the Relationship Because You’re Trauma-Bonded to Your Abuser
The trauma bond is one of the most difficult bonds to break, no matter how unhealthy, toxic the relationship is. It is not uncommon for those who are trauma bonded to their abusers to try repeatedly to fix things, even when they know there is very little chance of things actually changing.
If you recognize the signs of a trauma bond in your relationship, it is best for you to seek professional help as well as support groups or apps for healing from abuse and work on healing yourself rather than the relationship.
Your Abuser’s Idea of “Fixing” the Relationship is Changing YOU
Abusers are very often master manipulators, and will turn all of the relationships problems into the fault of the victim–even the abuse itself! Abusers may turn the tables and claim that you are the abusive one and that if you want the relationship to work, it is you who needs to change.
This behavior is dangerous and extremely damaging, and the victim will often work overtime walking on eggshells, doing as the abuser says, and catering to every whim of their abuser in an attempt to “fix” a problem that isn’t actually there.
You Don’t WANT To
No matter how long you have been in this relationship. No matter the nature of your relationship, whether it be with an abusive partner, family member, boss, colleague, friend, or otherwise–you are in no way obligated to fix a relationship that puts your physical or mental health at risk.
If you do not want to fix an abusive relationship, you do not have to.
Realizing this is one of the first steps in taking your power back and healing from the abuse.
How Can an Abusive Relationship Be Fixed?
It is uncommon for an abusive relationship to be truly fixed. The scars of abuse are deep, and victims of abuse can spend many years healing from their experiences.
However, no matter your circumstances, here is what to consider if you decide to take a shot at fixing an abusive relationship.
Both People in the Relationship Must Recognize the Abuse
An abusive relationship cannot be fixed if only one person in the relationship recognizes the abuse. Some abusers often know they are abusive, whereas other abusers feel that their actions are justified, therefore believing they are “not abusive.”
However, both parties in the relationship must recognize that there is abuse if the relationship is to heal. One person, on their own, cannot fix an abusive relationship on their own.
Read this twice: It doesn’t matter if the person knows they are abusive or not. Not fully realizing their abusive behavior doesn’t excuse it–nor does it negate the fact that they are abusive.
The Abuser Must Be Willing To –and WANT to– Change
Although uncommon, it is not unheard of that an abuser can be reformed. However, the abusive person must be willing to change and actually want to. An abusive relationship can’t be saved if the abuser has no remorse surrounding their actions.
Each Person Must Commit to Healing On Their Own
Fixing an abusive relationship isn’t only a joint effort. All parties must be fully committed to doing the hard work of healing on their own.
The victim needs to recover from the damage done to their self-esteem and self-worth, as well address any codependency, trauma-related responses or emotions, and learn how to set boundaries.
The abuser needs to do deep work within themselves to uncover why they use abuse and control as a coping mechanism, address any underlying personality disorders or childhood trauma and how it leads to a cycle of abuse, how to rectify any damage done, and how to prevent abusive behavior in the future.
For both the abuser and the victim, individual therapy, support groups, and self-care are recommended along with couples therapy.
Boundaries & Power Imbalances Must Be Addressed
In order for the power imbalance in the relationship to be fully addressed, boundaries must be set–and respected–with clear ramifications such as a break up if these lines are crossed.
For example, a victim may set a boundary that absolutely no further gaslighting will be tolerated, and exit the relationship if this boundary is violated.
Once boundaries have been established, it is important that not just the abusive person respect them, but that the victim respects their own boundaries and knows when to leave.
Accept That Abusive Relationships Aren’t Easy to Fix
It is not easy to fix an abusive relationship, and the damage can’t be undone overnight. It may take months or years for those in the relationship and the relationship itself to recover from domestic violence, whether it’s physical abuse, psychological abuse, verbal abuse, or other type of abuse..
So, Can an Abusive Relationship Ever Be Fixed?
Whether or not an abusive relationship can be fixed doesn’t have a black-and-white answer. Some relationships are too damaged and in many instances, it is too dangerous to the victim to stay in the relationship. However, both partners recognize the abuse, the abuser desires to do the work to change, and boundaries are put in place to prevent further abuse, it is possible –albeit unlikely– to fix an abusive, toxic relationship.
Zack Ehrmann (MAEd, LMHC, LPC) is a writer and licensed psychotherapist in three states. Employed in the field since 2011, he’s been fortunate to work across demographics and populations in a variety of settings, including community health clinics, state and local governance, major hospitals, and private practice.
